The Kiss

This is a "note" I posted on facebook back in 2011 after witnessing a rather traumatic incident...

Tonight I saw you looking at me while kissing him. You intentionally broke my heart but I'll survive even though it doesn't seem like it right now. This silver lining is the most important gift I've ever received: my freedom from you...

Gigi Rox

Gigi Rox

Vida Fantabisher

One of my closest friends is a performing drag artist who goes by the name of Vida Fantabisher; I have been a fan of hers since she first revealed herself to the world back in 2008. Since January this year then she has grown to be one of Cape Town’s fastest rising and best drag performers. Vida made her performance debut at Bubbles Bar in January 2012, performed at The EVH Pink Awards the next month and not long after that Lola Lou (the owner of Bubbles Bar) offered her a slot on a Saturday night which she has since turned into a successful night of cabaret, comedy and partying. She brings her A-game every time she hits the stage, looks fabulous while doing so and has earned herself a healthy following of people who are as varied as my hairstyles. I consider myself to be her biggest fan but there are many others who will dispute my claim. Die mense is mal oor 'n Vida!

Last week Vida issued a challenge to the people who she invited to her 50th birthday party; anyone who wanted to dress up and perform a song cabaret style had the opportunity to do so at her birthday party and after giving it some heavy thought I decided to accept her challenge. I told very few people of Gigi’s impending stage debut just in case I gave a busted performance but in hindsight that was of no use since Vida’s birthday party had Bubbles packed to capacity. Back in April my friends decided to change my nickname from Gina to Gigi Rox (this happens occasionally no matter how hard I try to defy it) and I figured that open stage was the perfect spot to debut Gigi; a character I’ve been slowly developing and wanting to use in my stand up: Gigi is a hairdresser by day and club singer at night who is not really progressing on stage, mainly because she’s kinda kak and her song choices are as 90s as an episode of Living Single. Yes I know the character needs more work…

Fast forward to Friday night… I bought a pack of 3 special razors to shave my legs and armpits with; all three razors are now blunt. I had no idea I had so much body hair especially since I’m the least hairy guy I know. After shaving my legs and armpits I left my house and entered Bubbles looking like myself. I had a drink (three actually) and then operation Gigi commenced. Vida and Lola beat my mugg me the house down! There were tears which smudged my eye make-up which had Lola reapplying my eye make-up which lead to more tears but she eventually finished and when I saw Gigi in the mirror for the first time I was like WHOA! I’ve seen the contestants on RuPaul’s drag race completely transform themselves with make-up but I had no idea how powerful it could leave a bitch looking, not to mention feeling. Lola, Vida and I discussed how the show would flow and it was decided Vida would do two numbers and engage with her crowd for a bit then bring me on. While she was on stage doing her art I stayed in the green room running through the lyrics and moves I wanted to use in my first song which was Queen Latifah’s U.N.I.T.Y. 

U.N.I.T.Y.

 


One Minute To Show Time…

I gave myself one last look in the mirror and saw my tuck wasn’t as effective as it was the last time I checked which was less than 5 minutes ago. I tried rectifying the situation but nothing worked so I thought “Fuck it” and Naomi Campbell walked (or at least my version of it) to the stage. Vida handed me the microphone, the music started and I tried my best to remember every word to a rap song which I have been loving since 1994; you’d think that would be the easy part but once you’re on stage there are so many things running through your mind failure seems like the only thing left to do… I messed the intro up but kept it going only to discover my mouthing of the song as opposed to actually singing it was completely destroying my performance. I tried making eye contact with some members of the crowd but that made me feel even more awkward. I was at the point of dropping the mic to the ground and walking off with the last shreds of my dignity when I saw Vida mince past shouting “You must just shine!” From that point it was on! I closed my eyes, took off the jacket I was wearing (it was supposed to look ghetto) and went for the song the way Gigi was supposed to. I don’t remember the rest of the performance and I hope nobody recorded it but the crowd seemed to love it and that’s all that matters to me at end of the day.

My next song was Chanté Moore’s Chanté’s Got A Man; I wore a more forgiving dress (in the crotch area I mean), decided (at the last minute) to take the wig off and wore my favourite pair of high heels. By the time I hit the stage I was a little drunker and I guess that was just what Gigi needed to have a better performance. The rest of the night is a blur but the reviews have been positive thus far but that could be more because everyone is being kind since it was my debut performance. The performing drag queens I’m exposed to on a regular basis tend to make their art look so easy but I now know first-hand about how hard, time consuming and painful it all is. I have an even bigger respect for Vida Fantabisher, 3D, Manila Von Teez, Samantha Knight and Lola Lou; they make it look so effortless, do it for the love of it and for very little thanks. I salute you bitches and will support y’all whenever I can! I don’t think Gigi Rox will be making any appearances any time soon again, being a busted drag queen is not my idea of a fun time. One thing is for certain though; I've been doing stand up comedy for almost two years, yes I've had some terrible gigs and I've done a couple of truly fantastic ones (thank God); no other performance can compete with the power I felt while wearing make-up, high heels and a dress which is interesting since I've never felt that vulnerable either, but I guess that's an entirely different blog entry...

Follow the girls on twitter: @VidaFantabisher, @BubblesBarCT, @manila_von_teez, @samanthaSHOWBIZ, @THREE_D_

 Pics courtesy of PJ Smith, Alexander Tabisher and Emile van der Heyde, not that I asked their permission to use them...

Father's Day

It's Father's Day today and my mind is filled with so many thoughts which with a little editing might just make for a worthy blog entry so here goes...

Father's Day used to be such a bitter affair for me but this year (2012) things are very different...

This year I find myself pitying the man I jokingly (with a hint of not-so-much) refer to as my sperm donor. I've come to realise that for the past 29 years HE has been missing out on my life not the other way around. 29 years of knowing you have a son and not being man enough to be that boy's father can't be easy on the ego. So much time has passed, time that could've/should've been spent on getting to know a man that's turned out to be pretty amazing (even if I do say so myself) but he chose to do other things and that's okay by me now; he made his choices and has to live with the consequences thereof for the rest of his days.

The last time I saw him was at my uncle's funeral last month. I saw him in the church but I never even recognised him (before that I saw him at my grandmother's funeral back in 2008 and it's not like's he's gained weight or anything) and when one of my cousins pointed him out to me later at the graveyard I was surprisingly unaffected by his presence. I had no desire to confront/punch him like in the past and as strange as that non-reaction was for me, it felt rather nice; grown up almost.

If the man ever does come to a point where he wants to pursue a father-son relationship with me I feel like I'm strong and emotionally intelligent enough to accommodate him without actually caring if it all works out or not, he must just know drinks are on him.

My hatred of him has evolved into a mixture of pity and indifference and that's rather sad, for him I mean...

Pink Petrol

As most of y'all know I watch 7de Laan and while the episode plays I do running commentary via twitter; one day this tweet appeared:

@PinkPetrol95
Wies dai rooi kop girl met die ou koek hairstyle? Trisha het nog dai style gehet in Loving, dai morning! #7delaan

After reading that tweet I was like where did he come from? I also agreed with the observation but I that's beside the point (he was talking about San-Mari clearly). I read through his tweets and I just loved his flamboyance infused car loving nature combined with his utter bitchiness; any homosexual with a passion for cars will be loved by me. I struck a conversation with him via twitter (then bbm) and was impressed by his motoring and pop culture knowledge, so much so that I decided to interview him for my blog. His first blog entry (pinkpetrol95.blogspot.com) will be posted soon so keep your eyes open for this motor journalist sensation with a gay twist...

EM: Without giving your identity away, who is Pink Petrol?
PP: A motor enthusiast who just really wanted to be Mariah Carey...

EM: What do you think is the most important car ever made?
PP: Tough one... But I think the one with aircon gets my vote.

EM: How specific. Who is your celebrity crush?
PP: The Stig! That man does things to cars that just makes me...

EM: Moving along swiftly! Which motor manufacturer would you like to see in the F1 Grand Prix?
PP: I really enjoyed watching Toyota's progress while in the Grand Prix, but then they decided making boring cars is more important and went to do that. I think having Geely in there will make crashes really fun for spectators!

EM: That would be fun yes. If you had a budget of R100 000 which car would you purchase?
PP: Definitely the new Kia Picanto. Those people with the flat eyes really can build a car with their eyes closed.

EM: Pun pardoned. Which car manufacturer would you like to raise your pimp hand to?
PP: TOYOTA! I can't even elaborate cos I'll just give myself indigestion.

EM: Spoken like a true former Toyota fan. What's your ultimate dream car?
PP: One with buttons on the steering wheel...

Confessions of a Cab Driver IV: Final Destination Monday

Today is Thursday the 22nd of September 2011, it's 08:45 and things have gone changed for a bitch...

Let's go back to Monday. Zandra is my cab, she's a 2010 Toyota Corolla 1.4 and I love her for days. Myself and my colleague Neil (not to be confused with my best friend with the same name) have shared custody of her and on Monday I was told by management to use her even though it wasn't my turn. Neil missed his previous shift and as punishment he was to use an inferior car (Zelna, an entry level 2005 Corolla 1.4 and the car I use when Neil has Zandra). I protested using Zandra on a day which Neil was supposed to use her, I really did. An internal voice told me "bad idea Eugene" but the idea of working a quiet Monday shift without music (all Zelna's speakers are blown, it wasn't me I swear) seemed too daunting. So with a little more arguing I took Zandra and had a pretty good shift until my fifth kilometer when some made in China taxi cut me off in Observatory main road, thus nearly taking out a headlight. A few minutes later a Polo almost rear ended me. Later while driving to the airport a bakkie drove over a stone which came flying straight for Zandra's windscreen; my customer freaked out when he saw the stone coming for us but I'd rather sacrifice a windscreen than an entire car so I kept driving and let the stone hit the car. The stone turned out to be a wine bottle cork and it just bounced off the windscreen without causing any damage. At the airport when reversing out of my parking space I had a near miss with a Marcopolo bus. On the way back to Obs I had a tyre burst and later on the way to the Waterfront a car pulled dead brakes in front of me forcing me to defensively swerve around it. This Monday had a very 'Final Destination' feel about it but I had my Maxwell mp3 cd playing so I ignored it all and continued working.

22:00. I'm busy reading a splendid novel by William Corlett (Now & Then) when the controller sends me on my next mission. I start Zandra up, select the next track on the cd which just happens to be the song I want played at my funeral (Tamia, Brandy, Gladys Knight and Chaka Khan - Missing You) and do my checks to make a u-turn. Mirror, blindspot, indicate and go; a split second later I hear a distant hooter and BHAM! a '97 Honda Ballade hit my cab with a force greater than Beyoncé; I knocked my head against the driver's window and Zandra is now pointed in a direction I never intending on going. I report to the controller that I've been in a collision, put hazard lights on, grab my Blackberry, wallet and Nokia and try getting out of Zandra only to discover the driver's door is jammed shut...

When I finally get out of Zandra there's an army of tow trucks swarming us assessing the damage and trying to get permission to tow the cars away. I'm in shock and when I see the damage to Zandra I wanna fall to my knees and bawl because already I know I'm gonna have to pay the insurance excess, lose my 'golden boy' status at work and be downgraded to the punishment car; a 4 speed Toyota Tazz. Zandra's front wheel is laying

Gayle Pride

I was gonna hit you with tons of facts about gayle, it's origins and how much it has done for the Gay Rights Movement in South Africa and I thank my very good friend Jerome Cornelius for arming me with research strong enough to start a college course with, but instead I'm gonna keep things light and brief.

I remember back in my salad days my mother had a hairdresser named Andrew aka Julie Andrews. I never understood when Julie spoke because he spoke with a speed to rival Beyonce in her Destiny's Child days and there were always a lot of ladies involved in his tales. This was where I first experienced the power of gayle and to be honest, it didn't exactly leave me with a positive impression.

While attending high school I always imagined myself being the only boy attracted to other boys, as much as I denied it. In hindsight I remember there were other boys in the same situation but they were clever enough to surrounded themselves with friends (majority female) and they taught these friends to spead the code language later revealed to me as Gayle. This one guy who's name I will withhold was as flamboyant as could be; he had an advantage over the entire school because his gayle was fierce enough to be his mother tongue. Knowing this secret code language made him untouchable! He saw a sista in me but I ran away like the a leggy version of Oscar.
If I had to know gayle back then I'm sure I would've won many more verbal battles thus making my high school career an altogether more pleasant experience. After high school I met a variety of people who gayle their gayle with pride and these people have shown me the power it holds.

Fast forward a few years and I find myself being one of a dying breed; I am proudly one of the last gays who are doing what they can to keep the dialect going and hopefully with this blog entry I'll be able to teach a few people a few words to keep the culture of gayle going.

It's quite simple actually, just substitute a word for a gayle word which usually tends to be female names; the sentence obviously needs to flow... Gayle's concept is based on Polari which is a topic for a whole other blog entry. Back in the apartheid era Cape Town's gay community, mainly of the coloured/mixed race creed, used this dialect when needing to communicate with one another without "the law" knowing what they were saying. It has gone through many phases and I've actually come to discover that it is used as far as London!

Here's a little starter "dictionary" for beginners and advanced users alike. We have something special going on here and I implore you to keep it going.

GAYLE PRIDE!
1. Absarrah – Upset
2. Bag/Boentjie – Guy/Boyfriend
3. Barbara – Scared
4. Barbie – Hungover
5. Beaulah – Beautiful
6. Belinda – Blind
7. Bella – Phone
8. Bester – Buy
9. Boris – Boring
10. Betty – Beer
11. Bernadette – Burn
12. Cameron – Camera
13. Carla – Look
14. Carol – Cry
15. Chanel – Cocaine
16. Chlora – Coloured/Mixed Race Person
17. Chrizelda – Seriously Unattractive
18. Cilla – Cigarette
19. Cindy – Child
20. Clarence/Fienah - Finished
21. Daphne – Deaf
22. Danjee – Dance
23. Deborah – Dead
24. Delores/Rhona – Drive
25. Dina/Bash – Fight
26. Dominique – Stupid/Retarded
27. Dora – Drink
28. Dot – Alcohol
29. Drag – Outfit
30. Drew – Dry
31. Erica – Erection
32. Fatiema/Faatah – Fat
33. Fietna – Gossip
34. Florence – Floor
35. Gala/Gugu – Sleep
36. Gedora – Drunk
37. Gerty – Girl
38. Glamours – Drinking Glass/Eye Glasses
39. Greta – Greedy
40. Hannah – Food/Eat
41. Harriets/Lollies (Loll) – Hair
42. Hazel – Buttocks
43. Heidi – High Heeled Shoes
44. Hester – Listen
45. Hilda – Hideous/Horrible
46. Irene – Eye
47. Jacky – Jacket
48. Jessica – Horny/Promiscuous
49. Lana – Penis
50. Leticia/Lettie – Lesbian
51. Lilly – Lighter
52. Linda – Lie
53. Lizzy – Lazy
54. Lodge – House
55. Lulu – Laugh
56. Mabel/Mavis – Gay Male
57. Mavis Gerty – Fag Hag
58. Mercia – Untidy/Gross
59. Mia – Missing In Action
60. Miena – Walk
61. Millie – Mentally Unstable
62. Minarge/Miena – Leave
63. Mince – Walk With Attitude
64. Miranda – Thin
65. Mitzy – Mini/Small
66. Moegieda – Tired
67. Molly – Muslim
68. Monica/Moena/Moentjie – Money
69. Mula/Moira – Music
70. Nancy/Nandi – No
71. Naomi – Name
72. Natalie/Nothabu – Black South African Person
73. Nelly – Nerve
74. Nora – Morbid/Miserable
75. Ola – Old
76. Old & Ugly – Olga
77. Olive – Cute
78. Patsy – Party
79. Paula – Posh/Professional
80. Pearl – Urinate/Ejaculate
81. Poonzies – Shoes
82. Portia - Prostitute
83. Pram – Car
84. Priscilla/Popo – Police
85. Rachel – Rape
86. Rachmat – Rain
87. Raygana – Sunglasses
88. Reeva – Revolting Behaviour
89. Rhonda – Run
90. Sally – Blow Job
91. Setta – Sit
92. Sheila – Shit/Defecate
93. Skandi – Smoke Dagga
94. Skaya – Scold
95. Sonya – Sun
96. Stella – Steal
97. Stiena – Stink
98. Tanya/Thandeka – Teeth
99. Tiemah – Breast
100. Tilla – Toilet
101. Tina – Toe
102. Tracy – Train
103. Trudy – Tired
104. Ursula – Understanding Supportive Friend
105. Urshi - Understand
106. Vast – Yes/Very
107. Velma – Warm/Hot
108. Vera – Vomit
109. Washiela – Wash
110. Wendy – White/Caucasian Person

EMTI (Eugene Mathews' Twitter Instructions)

Hellerrr and welcome to Eugene Mathews' Twitter Instructions (EMTI), this course is not hard but that can be adjusted if you're into such things. Let's get started...

1) What's the point of twitter?
Twitter is a social site which wants you to share information, whether it be your opinion, what you're doing or even an article you may like. It sounds tedious but so many millions of people can't be wrong can they?

2) How does it work?
It's just like updating your facebook status only this time you only have 140 characters to work with, there are ways around that but I'll get to that at a later stage. Following people is like adding them as a friend but with a hint of not so much. Twitter only became fun for me once I started following comedians but y'all can follow who ever ya wanna, it's your world!

3) My best piece of advice...
Connect your twitter to your facebook account. Why? The principle of killing two birds with one stone applies here, or since we're living in more modern times I like to say killing two pigs with one Angry Bird. Think about it: the majority of your friends on facebook are people you actually know so sharing your tweets with them is only right. Why must your followers be the only people to get the best of you? If ya dunno how to connect the two, feel free to ask.

4) Retweet much?
A retweet is when you see someone you're following tweet something good enough to share with your followers so you retweet it. It does get a bit complicated though. Say ma now you wanna reply to something someone tweeted but you're not sure that person is gonna know what you're talking about you can quote the tweet and reply to it then separate the two with the letters RT. For example.

@eugenemmathews: All men are dogs! #idiots

You read my tweet and it compels you to reply but you've only seen my tweet a couple of hours later but I was complaining about some taxi so I probably tweeted 8 tweets already. All you do is seperate the your reply and the original tweet with RT (this is much easier if your phone has the quote tweet function):

@jawonthefloor: I feel ya! RT @eugenemmathews: All men are dogs! #idiots

5) The #Hashtag
Yes this is a twitter invention which has filtered down to facebook with both positive and negative results. A hash before a word or combination of words is either you contributing to a topic which is already happening in twitterland, or if there's nobody who's even used that hashtag you'll be starting one (a topic I mean). As you may have noticed once a hash is before a word on twitter it is highlighted, this is called a hashtag. When clicking on the hashtag you will be taken to another place where other tweeters tweeted and the same hashtag was used. This is a place where many other people who aren't necessarily following you will see your tweet and they are able to reply to you and even follow you should they like what you've said.

6) 140 Characters!? I CAN'T DEAL!!
Not to worry dear, there ways around this handicap. I personally use twitlonger but there other sites such as tmi and yfrog (I think) that allows you to type to your heart's content and it will publish your tweet to a point then add a link to see the entire tweet.

That's all I have for now, there's a lot more so don't be afraid to ask!

Gina's Mock Cars Volume 3

Cadillac SRX
It's no secret that I'm a big Cadillac fan! I admire the various style themes they've had over the years: from the overstyled fins in the 50s and 60s to the super square luxo-barges of the 70s and 80s all the way to the "Art & Science examples we have today. Regardless of how little substance they actually offer their style does it for me every time. This however is their other mongrel. Proof that even Cadillac is able to get the SUV wrong. Proof that bigger is not always better. Proof that no matter how trendy the SUV might've been at the time, if it ain't attractive, it ain't gonna sell.

Dacia Cristal
The fact that it's a Dacia alone screams mock! To mock things up even further it was manufactured in Blackheath (Cape Town) for a little while. The best way to get this thing to exceed 100 km/h was to drive it off a cliff, you wouldn't survive but anyone who bought it was probably suicidal anyway.


Toyota Mega Cruiser
Even the gayest man on earth would call it over the top! I once had the privilege of driving one and it was like driving a wider, longer and higher (I'm trying to understate things here) Corolla (+1). It has amazing 4x4 ability (+1). It's gigantic (+and-1) and it has bling potential for days, even if it is a Toyota. Then I hooted and it went 'peep' instead of 'BAAARRP!' That's like a woman the size of Aretha singing with a voice the size of Victoria Beckham's. Fail.

Nissan Micra (Previous Generation)
I wasn't going to include this car until some guy nearly knocked me over with it a couple of days ago. The mist was thick, the car was silver and the headlights weren't turned on = micrisible (invisible Micra). Innocent me was trying to cross a pretty busy road and when I thought it was safe to do so this horrid round "automobile" hooted at me and I had to dive for my life. Had that Micra hit me I would've died (from embarrassment) on purpose just so that the driver/menace to society could be charged with culpable homicide. Nissan's version of the new Beetle wasn't exactly popular or practical and thank goodness it's been replaced by a toned down (in terms of styling) model which makes do without that awful Micra language.

Mock Cars Tally
BMW - 1
Cadillac - 2
Dacia - 1
Daewoo - 1
Daihatsu - 1
Kia - 1
Mazda - 1
Mercedes-Benz - 1
Nissan - 2
Toyota - 1

Gina's Mock Cars Volume 2

BMW 7 Series (previous generation pre-facelift)
Yes I know many will probably defend this co-star of The O.C. and Taxi (starring Queen Latifah), it still is the best selling 7 Series yet, mechanically it does everything right and a lot of its design features has been copied by other motoring manufacturers; but God dammit Chris Bangle should've known better! Proof that one can put a BMW badge on pretty much anything and it will sell.

Daihatsu Move
There isn't a market on this earth that liked it, why they even bothered exporting it out of Japan is beyond me. Underpowered, unattractive and unstable; this was been Daihatsu showing us they have a sense of humour, not that anyone asked.

Mazda Demio
I personally believe this is the model that was the cause of Mazda's big turn around. After spawning something this dull Mazda must have done some reflection and realized the severe lack of life and excitement in their range. 1-2-6 the rotary engine was redeveloped, a few designers with an appetite for sex were employed and the RX-8 and Mazda6 was unleashed; much to the delight of 323 owners everywhere. We owe you a debt of gratitude Mazda Demio (you boring bastard).

Nissan Tiida Sedan
Imagine this conversation if you will:
Guy1: I bought a new car!
Guy2: Me too! What did you get?
Guy1: The new Corolla, not the most exciting purchase but I'm loving it so far. How about you?
Guy2: Something similar to yours actually...
Guy1: A Cerato? A Civic?
Guy2: No...
Guy1: A Jetta or maybe a Focus?
Guy2: Close but not quite...
(18 minutes later)
Guy1: I've run out of ideas! What the hell did you buy!?
Guy2: A Nissan Tiida.
Guy1: Oh...
Can you imagine how heavily Guy1 is judging Guy2? The current Corolla is a step in the right direction if you compare it with the previous generation Corolla, the Tiida is SO not a styling improvement over the Almera. This government and rental favourite induces narcolepsy. This car makes the current Corolla look stunning. I think I've only ever seen this bulbous-assed automobile in white and a green that only works on the current Fiesta. Using the word automobile is like using the word fellatio instead of blow job. The Tiida is so boring you can't help but call it an automobile.

Mock Car Tally
BMW - 1
Cadillac - 1
Daewoo - 1
Daihatsu - 1
Kia - 1
Mazda - 1
Mercedes-Benz - 1
Nissan - 1

Gina's Mock Cars volume 1

Here's a list of a few cars I can't handle seeing before my eyes...

Daewoo Cielo
It's no secret that I hate all automotive Daewoo products and this is the car that began it all in South Africa. Based on the much loved Opel T-Car Kadett of the 80s it made do with an underpowered 1.5 litre engine and possibly the ugliest steering wheel ever. I've actually had fantasies of putting these automotive embarrassments in car crushers. I don't even think the flagship model had a tachometer (rev counter). On the plus side you could do your laundry in the boot and the glove compartment doubled as a microwave oven.


Kia Pride
Kia entered the South African market with the Pride and the Sportage, both as mock as can be but I guess that's what the Koreans were all about in the 90s. The Pride was a blatant rip off of a former Mazda 121, which itself wasn't exactly an image builder. I'm blessed to not know anyone who's owned these tacky hatchbacks (not counting an uncle of mine's neighbour who I don't want to know anyway).

Cadillac Cimarron
The most unloved Cadillac of all time, basically a Chevrolet Cavalier, which itself never exactly won any car of the year awards, with a few Cadillac goodies glued on. Google it and lol...

Mercedes-Benz R Class
Myself and probably the rest of the population were like wtf when Mercedes-Benz unleashed this almost cartoonish looking thing upon us. It's super spacious, luxurious and relatively fast but it's still as ugly as a Pontiac Aztek. Okay I take that back; nothing's as ugly as a Pontiac Aztek. A mid-life facelift remedied the situation somewhat but too little too late I say.

Gina's Comedy Debut

So after many years of watching various stand up comedy acts and thinking to myself "I can do that" and after lots of e-mails and clever status updates (true story) I was finally given the opportunity to perform on Zula Bar's stage at the end of 2010. I now have even more respect for anyone who gets on a stage and attempts to make people laugh. Check out my debut stand up comedy performance and let me know what you think!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?gl=US&hl=en&client=mv-rim&v=QSFsTIaaC9M

http://bit.ly/naFdZK

Confessions Of A Cab Driver II: The Grass Could Be White On The Other Side...

The grass is not always greener on the other side...

About 3 months ago I started my new job, I went from being Cape Town's most flamboyant cab driver to being Cape Town's most flamboyant cab driver at a rival company. I've never been a fan of the toi-toi, dancing in the street to demonstrate one's dissatisfaction with one's work situation seems a bit defeat-the-purpose-esque to me so after a few months of being really unhappy for various reasons at my previous place of employment I decided to put my sanity before the money I and moved on, but not before an indulgent week of laying in bed and doing nothing (if you can calling watching vast amounts of television and eating vast amounts of luxuries nothing).

I remembered running into an ex colleague of mine (Neil) in the Green Point, the brotha was as relaxed as I'd never seen him before, this all due to the new company he worked for so after my "week off" I gave the company a call and was told to report for duty the next day. At 06h15 the next morning I arrived at my new job (45 minutes early), went through a brief interview process then went for a driving assessment which I of course passed with flying colours. From there I was assigned a the donkey Toyota Avanza of the fleet and my first day commenced.

I met one or two of my colleagues that day but because I made the decision beforehand not to get to know anyone or allow anyone to get to know me (I did not want to become emotionally attached to this company) I kept to myself and did whatever work I was supposed to do.

The change of pace from Formula 1 racing to glacial was excruciating, the cut in salary was immediately felt and I missed my now ex-colleagues at Rikkis, but my stress levels dropped to next-to-nothing and now I had more time to concentrate on my writing and stand up comedy performances.

Finally after about two weeks I was assigned my permanent car (okay so I did some manipulating) and believe it or not I'm in love with her: a 2010 Corolla. She has about as much character as a bowl of rice, she doesn't complain unless driver and front passenger are not wearing their seatbelts and parallel parking is an absolute nightmare but that doesn't matter since she's proved to me numerous times that she has my back. I held a little competition amongst my bbm contacts to find a name for her and my friend Craig suggested Zandra, a name that somehow works and ever since then the adventures Zandra and I have had together should keep my various audiences entertained for days!

Yes I do miss my previous job with all its drama and really miss the fleet of Daihatsu Materias, but me moving forward in the entertainment industry is a reward far greater than any amount of cash earned. I've taken a step back in but that step back was one in the right direction. The grass might not be greener on the other side but I'm rather liking this shade...

MEMOIRS OF EUGAYSHA: A MEMOIRS OF A GAYSHA SPIN-OFF

I have been planning on doing this blog entry for more than a year and after reading my friend Richard Dicky Julies' latest Memoirs of a Gaysha facebook note (those in the know will know what I’m talking about) and after consulting with Richard finally inspired enough to give it a shot. This essay is in no way competing with Richard’s “Memoirs”, if CSI could spawn CSI: Miami and CSI: New York then I think Memoirs of Eugaysha should have a chance at life; maybe even be judged on its own merits. For those of y’all who don’t know this Richard fellow I speak of please continue reading and your feedback so welcome!

AUNTY AIDA
A few months ago a couple of friends and I were merrily gayling about nothing in particular when the rather current topic of Aids came up. Somewhere along the line I asked them a question which has been bugging me for months; I asked them who they thought would catch the dreaded disease first, which in retrospect is a sucky and immature question to ask (but do bear with me, I’m going somewhere with this). The question left them stunned and wondering why I would ask such a morose (and mean) question. They verbally shat all over me and the topic was changed to music or some other hot topic but my question struck a nerve and still does to this day (mission accomplished). Merely a few weeks later we found out about an acquaintance of ours who had been infected with HIV which developed into full blown Aids. The scandalous part of it all is his mission to spread the virus to as many irresponsible men (straight or otherwise) as he possibly can. I personally feel he is vile and evil for doing so and he should receive a bullet to the temple for every guy he's successfully infected, but I’m not exactly known for being merciful so let’s move this along to the point I’m trying to make… The year is 2011 and we as men (homosexual or otherwise) need to start a dialogue amongst ourselves and the people we love. This dialogue should encourage safe sex and regular HIV testing. This dialogue should encourage understanding of the virus and should do much to eradicate the fear we would naturally have towards anyone with the virus, whether it is a person with HIV or Aids. Going for an Aids test (and talking about the experience) should not be an event filled with shame; I feel it should be as common as a dental check up. Lately I've been finding out about more and more people I know personally being infected and although we now know it's not the death sentence it used to be it's still not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Perhaps if this Aids-infected acquaintance of ours felt a little less alone, a little less disgraced, maybe if he had the correct support structure; perhaps he wouldn’t have intentionally gone out to infect so many others…

NARNIA
Once upon a time I posted a tweet: "He's so deep in the closet he's having adventures in Narnia." This tweet made me smile but not for long because I soon realised I was talking about myself...
I'm a pretty feminine guy as you can imagine, I wear my hair shoulder length in a variety of hairstyles, I mince instead of walk, I enjoy wearing high heeled shoes etc. In short I’m an obviously gay man. What most people don't know about is my other life as closeted homosexual. As anyone who knows me can testify to; I am a queen of note. When I’m home things are very different, I’m Beyonce instead of Sasha Fierce if you catch my drift.
I have a mother who has a rather admirable relationship with God. She prays to him and serves him with an awesome passion, she does not swear or drink or smoke and she is really blessed because of it. In her eyes being gay is an abomination like no other (she’s old school like that) but God kept the blessings coming by making me a “queer” (her word to describe gays). God's sense of humour strikes again!
I'm 28 and I lead a relatively drama-free life because of this closet I find myself living in. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be fully out and proud but I'm honestly in no hurry to start the process. Many people have asked me how I can still be closeted when my homosexuality is so evident and as annoying as their inquisitivity (I don’t care if that isn’t really a word, it’s fun to say) can be I patiently explain how it all works: before I enter my house a switch in my head is activated and Eugene mode is engaged. I walk differently, my voice deepens and I somehow become straight acting. I know this is hard to imagine but it gets better. One day while in “Eugene” mode a gay friend and his boyfriend came to visit me at home and they couldn’t handle being in my at home persona’s company. On the one hand they respected my situation enough to not be as outrageously fem and loud as they would normally be, on the other hand they couldn’t believe how huge the difference between Eugene and Gina is and how second nature it all is. To me being straight acting at home is exactly that; second nature. I’ve been these two people for so long that half the time I don’t even know when I’m in which ever mode which can lead to some awkward moments, especially at work, but that’s a whole other blog entry altogether.
At the beginning of last year my two best friends and I made a pact to come out the closet but only one of us made it out. This pact inspired me to be a little less Eugene and a little more Gina and the results are the cause of much entertainment, for me at least. When receiving phone calls from friends I now speak in my natural voice and yes I will gayle for all the occupants of my house to hear. I now insist on my mother meeting all of my friends and I tell her all about them, okay maybe not EVERYTHING… Witnessing her involuntary denial amuses and fascinates me to no end, and gives me great material for the stage as well.
To be totally honest I don’t quite know why I’m still in the closet, I know my mom will take the news very hard but she’ll pray about it and God will tell her to stop being silly and just accept it. The rest of her family and friends will be stunned at for her not noticing sooner. Her love for me won’t stop and I doubt she’ll throw me out of the house, I guess I’ve become so content with my double life. Sometimes, when life as a homosexual-cab-driving-hair-styling-aspiring-stand-up-comedian becomes too much, it’s nice to just be Eugene, more relaxing even.
I’m in no way encouraging staying in the closet nor am I defending my being closeted, but as I see it, everyone’s situation is different and should be dealt with accordingly. Live and let live! Who knows, my next blog entry could even be my coming out story with a hint of not so much…

Gina's Tips For Gays

1. Drukking a game of soccer does not a first date make.

2. Your eyebrows are a gift, overplucking is not cool. There's no need to look startled all of the time!

3. Just because they started speaking to you again doesn't mean it's over; revenge will be taken eventually.

4. Poverty does not suit any homosexual.

5. Knowing a little about everything beats knowing everything about one thing.

6. It's advantageous to know when to act straight.

7. Gayle is a life skill.

8. Support your support structure...

9. You're armed with condoms at all times.

10. Your car has a fabulous name.

11. Being able to eat with chopsticks is a life skill.

12. You MUST know how to make an entrance.

13. You MUST know when to make an exit.

14. You need a catchphrase. 'And Thank You' does not count...

15. There's a difference between a drag name and a stage name, make sure you have one of each.

16. Don't allow anyone to tell you what do in bed unless you've told them what to tell you...

17. Know when to play dumb...

18. Know when to shut up...

19. You should have at least one song you can perform well at a karaoke...

20. Knowing how to drive is as an important as a matric certificate.

21. (The most important one): "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else..." - RuPaul

22. Live a well balanced life; go to straight clubs as well.

23. Take yourself out for dinner every once in a while; you never know who you may meet.

24. There's a difference between big words and rich words.

The Perambulator: Lexus In Training

It’s Saturday the 26th of November 2005, at approximately ten to eleven the morning I first spotted the car that would change my life forever. She was white, long, black metal rims (hubcap free), had a big scrape on the rear right door but I just I had to have it. The guy selling it needed a smaller car for his wife and was very sad to let it go, a pretty believable story but so very far from the truth. I took the car for a spin and 5 minutes into the test drive I bought it for the princely sum of R18 000.

December 7th 2005: The day I pick up my most expensive purchase to date and the beginning of my biggest love affair ever. A ’94 Ford Telstar with an idling problem and stability issues. Two days later I took my car in for a 204 000km service but that operation turned out to be a much bigger affair. Eleven hours later my car was ready to be collected and after emptying my wallet I drove her home mad as hell. Not the ideal start to the ownership experience; that was also the very night I named it The Perambulator.

A couple of days later I hopped into my now purring car and took her to meet my friend Gary. Gary is a Honda fan and me purchasing a Mazda in Ford drag didn’t sit very well with him. “Your car looks like it belongs in the FBI,” said Gary and that’s when I figured out my hectic attraction to this large family car I found myself owning. The Ford Crown Victoria is my favourite Ford. It’s a full sized sedan usually used by the American Police and Taxi industry and is probably the most crashed car in cinematic history. Next year will be its last year of production and I will enter a blog post on it in the not too distant future. My car has a slight resemblance to the American legend that is the Crown Vic and just like that my love for my new car was restored.

The Perambulator has a good couple of stories to tell in the three years I operated her. She has seen most of the club parking lots in Cape Town, she’s been driven to George while being in dire need of a service, many people learnt to drive using her, she was shot in a gang war (no they weren’t aiming at her), she has driven though knee high floods and she was even brutally smashed by a Golden Arrow bus. I’ve had some of my most memorable conversations in her, I’ve laughed my loudest and shed bucket loads of tears, I’ve kissed one or two guys and yes she’s even been stuck at the roadside without petrol. Two years ago the engine died on me at 316 000kms and I couldn’t even be mad at it because she was faithful for over 112 000kms. 112 000 kilometers in three years? You betcha!!

The time has come to sell the corpse of The Perambulator and it saddens me to my core. I know her memory will live on in the hearts and minds of most of the people she’s carried over the years. I’m a better man for owning that Ford badged Mazda and I’d buy another one if I could find one at a good price with a low amount of mileage on the odometer.

Ten Things I've Learnt In My 27 Years

I know I've already published this as a note on facebook but I feel it's worth republishing...

1. Choose your friends very carefully and love them with all your might; they might just reciprocate.
It's risky I know, but your true friends will love you back and that dear readers makes it all worth it. Quality over quantity...

2. It's might be hard to forgive and forget; it costs more to hold a grudge.
Who needs to live with that negativity anyway?

3. Mr Right beats Mr Right Now.
The man worth crying for will never let you shed a tear; tears of joy excluded of course.
A man is a hard to find but a real man will find you.

4. There's no shame in learning from others' mistakes.
Why put yourself through unnecessary grief?

5. Compromise is not a sign of weakness.
Do you wanna be right or do you want to be happy?

6. There's a difference between religion and spirituality.
Your relationship with your God need not be dictated by anyone but yourself. By now you should know the difference between right and wrong anyway...

7. Somethings are better left unsaid.
Enough said.

8. Appreciate every moment of solitude.
The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself.

9. There is so much more to life than material wealth.
You are not gonna be buried in that car; when you reach the Pearly Gates St Peter is not gonna emulate an Ackermans advert and say nice loafers and Satan certainly is not gonna wanna listen to your mp3 player.

10. Life goes on...

Confessions Of A Gay Cab Driver

So here I am at work with two hours to kill before going home to my three dogs (Brüno, Dexter and Snoopy) and two or more episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race (season two). With this two hours I'm gonna briefly let you (the reader) into the world of a cab driver in Cape Town.

I am Eugene Mathews. I'm currently 27 years of age, I'm an out and proud gay man and due to circumstances (that I can barely recall) I am currently a cab driver for Rikkis Urban Safaris. I also work in the call centre, assist in the marketing department, occasionally help out with the allocating of vehicles to drivers and cash ups (supervising) and lately I've been helping out in the workshop (last Friday I help our head mechanic swop the driver's doors of two cars and the week before that I was involved in the dirty job of replacing a front shock absorber). Such butch work but I'm loving every moment of it, even the greasy bits.

In the beginning I received a little resistance from a couple of my (straight) colleagues because of my obvious homosexuality but that prompted me to be even more flamboyant than I usually am and a year later I find myself missed when I'm not seen at work. Yes I've had a couple of altercations with one or two narrow-minded colleagues and superiors but patience and an above average wit helped me gain a whole lot of respect and love. A love of beer certainly helped my cause but that's beside the point at this time.

As time progressed I adopted a Sasha Fierce-type sub-personality who I've sinced dubbed Materia Girl (we use Daihatsu Materias as our vehicle of choice, rocket science calculations are not required). The Materia Girl is a character who is loved and feared in equal quantities, she works at a rate that scares even me at times. She has performed death defying feats such as driving from the BP in Somerset Road, Green Point, to the airport in 9 minutes which wouldn't be as impressive if she weren't driving an automatic Daihatsu. She's driven to Stellenbosch from the Foreshore in 21 minutes. Kalk Bay? 19 minutes thank you very much. She's patient and fun with clients but never does she allow herself to be walked over. She never receives speeding finds though and has only been in one car crash but that's only because a drunk woman in a Polo braked too late. Being the Materia Girl is hard work though...

It all starts when walking towards our depot. The walk changes to something similar to what Beyoncé does when performing Get Me Bodied. My hair somehow becomes more flowy, my posture changes and all problems and issues outside of work matters no longer. The real fun begins once I receive my car though...

My job is one that's unpredictable at best. I could drive an American couple over Chapman's Peak with close to zero visibility due to fog or pick up a shady character in Gugulethu who'll turn out to be a most useful future contact. One client from Hout Bay has even become one of my favourite facebook friends.

It isn't all moonshine and roses though; being a cab driver, especially at night can be a pretty dangerous profession. Drunk drivers drive kamikaze style, cab drivers from rival companies are always ready to fight (sometimes physically) for a customer and the opportunity to be hijacked is omnipresent. At the end of the day I do know that I am saving the lives of the drunk and entertaining the not as drunk whether it be with my at times strange sense of humour or my at times strange taste in music.

Once upon a time I was embarrassed to be doing what I do but as I've grown in my job and as a person, so has the shame faded. Best you know when I ain't working I refuse to drive, but that's a story for a future blog.

Work is scarce in this beautiful city of ours so while I'm doing what I'm doing I might as well do it to the best of my ability. Cab driving is not what I plan on doing for the rest of my days, my levels of potential does not allow it but what a fun way to make a living in the meantime!

Materia Girl aka LTI Lady aka Quantum Queen.