I have been planning on doing this blog entry for more than a year and after reading my friend Richard Dicky Julies' latest Memoirs of a Gaysha facebook note (those in the know will know what I’m talking about) and after consulting with Richard finally inspired enough to give it a shot. This essay is in no way competing with Richard’s “Memoirs”, if CSI could spawn CSI: Miami and CSI: New York then I think Memoirs of Eugaysha should have a chance at life; maybe even be judged on its own merits. For those of y’all who don’t know this Richard fellow I speak of please continue reading and your feedback so welcome!
AUNTY AIDA
A few months ago a couple of friends and I were merrily gayling about nothing in particular when the rather current topic of Aids came up. Somewhere along the line I asked them a question which has been bugging me for months; I asked them who they thought would catch the dreaded disease first, which in retrospect is a sucky and immature question to ask (but do bear with me, I’m going somewhere with this). The question left them stunned and wondering why I would ask such a morose (and mean) question. They verbally shat all over me and the topic was changed to music or some other hot topic but my question struck a nerve and still does to this day (mission accomplished). Merely a few weeks later we found out about an acquaintance of ours who had been infected with HIV which developed into full blown Aids. The scandalous part of it all is his mission to spread the virus to as many irresponsible men (straight or otherwise) as he possibly can. I personally feel he is vile and evil for doing so and he should receive a bullet to the temple for every guy he's successfully infected, but I’m not exactly known for being merciful so let’s move this along to the point I’m trying to make… The year is 2011 and we as men (homosexual or otherwise) need to start a dialogue amongst ourselves and the people we love. This dialogue should encourage safe sex and regular HIV testing. This dialogue should encourage understanding of the virus and should do much to eradicate the fear we would naturally have towards anyone with the virus, whether it is a person with HIV or Aids. Going for an Aids test (and talking about the experience) should not be an event filled with shame; I feel it should be as common as a dental check up. Lately I've been finding out about more and more people I know personally being infected and although we now know it's not the death sentence it used to be it's still not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Perhaps if this Aids-infected acquaintance of ours felt a little less alone, a little less disgraced, maybe if he had the correct support structure; perhaps he wouldn’t have intentionally gone out to infect so many others…
NARNIA
Once upon a time I posted a tweet: "He's so deep in the closet he's having adventures in Narnia." This tweet made me smile but not for long because I soon realised I was talking about myself...
I'm a pretty feminine guy as you can imagine, I wear my hair shoulder length in a variety of hairstyles, I mince instead of walk, I enjoy wearing high heeled shoes etc. In short I’m an obviously gay man. What most people don't know about is my other life as closeted homosexual. As anyone who knows me can testify to; I am a queen of note. When I’m home things are very different, I’m Beyonce instead of Sasha Fierce if you catch my drift.
I have a mother who has a rather admirable relationship with God. She prays to him and serves him with an awesome passion, she does not swear or drink or smoke and she is really blessed because of it. In her eyes being gay is an abomination like no other (she’s old school like that) but God kept the blessings coming by making me a “queer” (her word to describe gays). God's sense of humour strikes again!
I'm 28 and I lead a relatively drama-free life because of this closet I find myself living in. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be fully out and proud but I'm honestly in no hurry to start the process. Many people have asked me how I can still be closeted when my homosexuality is so evident and as annoying as their inquisitivity (I don’t care if that isn’t really a word, it’s fun to say) can be I patiently explain how it all works: before I enter my house a switch in my head is activated and Eugene mode is engaged. I walk differently, my voice deepens and I somehow become straight acting. I know this is hard to imagine but it gets better. One day while in “Eugene” mode a gay friend and his boyfriend came to visit me at home and they couldn’t handle being in my at home persona’s company. On the one hand they respected my situation enough to not be as outrageously fem and loud as they would normally be, on the other hand they couldn’t believe how huge the difference between Eugene and Gina is and how second nature it all is. To me being straight acting at home is exactly that; second nature. I’ve been these two people for so long that half the time I don’t even know when I’m in which ever mode which can lead to some awkward moments, especially at work, but that’s a whole other blog entry altogether.
At the beginning of last year my two best friends and I made a pact to come out the closet but only one of us made it out. This pact inspired me to be a little less Eugene and a little more Gina and the results are the cause of much entertainment, for me at least. When receiving phone calls from friends I now speak in my natural voice and yes I will gayle for all the occupants of my house to hear. I now insist on my mother meeting all of my friends and I tell her all about them, okay maybe not EVERYTHING… Witnessing her involuntary denial amuses and fascinates me to no end, and gives me great material for the stage as well.
To be totally honest I don’t quite know why I’m still in the closet, I know my mom will take the news very hard but she’ll pray about it and God will tell her to stop being silly and just accept it. The rest of her family and friends will be stunned at for her not noticing sooner. Her love for me won’t stop and I doubt she’ll throw me out of the house, I guess I’ve become so content with my double life. Sometimes, when life as a homosexual-cab-driving-hair-styling-aspiring-stand-up-comedian becomes too much, it’s nice to just be Eugene, more relaxing even.
I’m in no way encouraging staying in the closet nor am I defending my being closeted, but as I see it, everyone’s situation is different and should be dealt with accordingly. Live and let live! Who knows, my next blog entry could even be my coming out story with a hint of not so much…
