Gayle Pride

I was gonna hit you with tons of facts about gayle, it's origins and how much it has done for the Gay Rights Movement in South Africa and I thank my very good friend Jerome Cornelius for arming me with research strong enough to start a college course with, but instead I'm gonna keep things light and brief.

I remember back in my salad days my mother had a hairdresser named Andrew aka Julie Andrews. I never understood when Julie spoke because he spoke with a speed to rival Beyonce in her Destiny's Child days and there were always a lot of ladies involved in his tales. This was where I first experienced the power of gayle and to be honest, it didn't exactly leave me with a positive impression.

While attending high school I always imagined myself being the only boy attracted to other boys, as much as I denied it. In hindsight I remember there were other boys in the same situation but they were clever enough to surrounded themselves with friends (majority female) and they taught these friends to spead the code language later revealed to me as Gayle. This one guy who's name I will withhold was as flamboyant as could be; he had an advantage over the entire school because his gayle was fierce enough to be his mother tongue. Knowing this secret code language made him untouchable! He saw a sista in me but I ran away like the a leggy version of Oscar.
If I had to know gayle back then I'm sure I would've won many more verbal battles thus making my high school career an altogether more pleasant experience. After high school I met a variety of people who gayle their gayle with pride and these people have shown me the power it holds.

Fast forward a few years and I find myself being one of a dying breed; I am proudly one of the last gays who are doing what they can to keep the dialect going and hopefully with this blog entry I'll be able to teach a few people a few words to keep the culture of gayle going.

It's quite simple actually, just substitute a word for a gayle word which usually tends to be female names; the sentence obviously needs to flow... Gayle's concept is based on Polari which is a topic for a whole other blog entry. Back in the apartheid era Cape Town's gay community, mainly of the coloured/mixed race creed, used this dialect when needing to communicate with one another without "the law" knowing what they were saying. It has gone through many phases and I've actually come to discover that it is used as far as London!

Here's a little starter "dictionary" for beginners and advanced users alike. We have something special going on here and I implore you to keep it going.

GAYLE PRIDE!
1. Absarrah – Upset
2. Bag/Boentjie – Guy/Boyfriend
3. Barbara – Scared
4. Barbie – Hungover
5. Beaulah – Beautiful
6. Belinda – Blind
7. Bella – Phone
8. Bester – Buy
9. Boris – Boring
10. Betty – Beer
11. Bernadette – Burn
12. Cameron – Camera
13. Carla – Look
14. Carol – Cry
15. Chanel – Cocaine
16. Chlora – Coloured/Mixed Race Person
17. Chrizelda – Seriously Unattractive
18. Cilla – Cigarette
19. Cindy – Child
20. Clarence/Fienah - Finished
21. Daphne – Deaf
22. Danjee – Dance
23. Deborah – Dead
24. Delores/Rhona – Drive
25. Dina/Bash – Fight
26. Dominique – Stupid/Retarded
27. Dora – Drink
28. Dot – Alcohol
29. Drag – Outfit
30. Drew – Dry
31. Erica – Erection
32. Fatiema/Faatah – Fat
33. Fietna – Gossip
34. Florence – Floor
35. Gala/Gugu – Sleep
36. Gedora – Drunk
37. Gerty – Girl
38. Glamours – Drinking Glass/Eye Glasses
39. Greta – Greedy
40. Hannah – Food/Eat
41. Harriets/Lollies (Loll) – Hair
42. Hazel – Buttocks
43. Heidi – High Heeled Shoes
44. Hester – Listen
45. Hilda – Hideous/Horrible
46. Irene – Eye
47. Jacky – Jacket
48. Jessica – Horny/Promiscuous
49. Lana – Penis
50. Leticia/Lettie – Lesbian
51. Lilly – Lighter
52. Linda – Lie
53. Lizzy – Lazy
54. Lodge – House
55. Lulu – Laugh
56. Mabel/Mavis – Gay Male
57. Mavis Gerty – Fag Hag
58. Mercia – Untidy/Gross
59. Mia – Missing In Action
60. Miena – Walk
61. Millie – Mentally Unstable
62. Minarge/Miena – Leave
63. Mince – Walk With Attitude
64. Miranda – Thin
65. Mitzy – Mini/Small
66. Moegieda – Tired
67. Molly – Muslim
68. Monica/Moena/Moentjie – Money
69. Mula/Moira – Music
70. Nancy/Nandi – No
71. Naomi – Name
72. Natalie/Nothabu – Black South African Person
73. Nelly – Nerve
74. Nora – Morbid/Miserable
75. Ola – Old
76. Old & Ugly – Olga
77. Olive – Cute
78. Patsy – Party
79. Paula – Posh/Professional
80. Pearl – Urinate/Ejaculate
81. Poonzies – Shoes
82. Portia - Prostitute
83. Pram – Car
84. Priscilla/Popo – Police
85. Rachel – Rape
86. Rachmat – Rain
87. Raygana – Sunglasses
88. Reeva – Revolting Behaviour
89. Rhonda – Run
90. Sally – Blow Job
91. Setta – Sit
92. Sheila – Shit/Defecate
93. Skandi – Smoke Dagga
94. Skaya – Scold
95. Sonya – Sun
96. Stella – Steal
97. Stiena – Stink
98. Tanya/Thandeka – Teeth
99. Tiemah – Breast
100. Tilla – Toilet
101. Tina – Toe
102. Tracy – Train
103. Trudy – Tired
104. Ursula – Understanding Supportive Friend
105. Urshi - Understand
106. Vast – Yes/Very
107. Velma – Warm/Hot
108. Vera – Vomit
109. Washiela – Wash
110. Wendy – White/Caucasian Person

EMTI (Eugene Mathews' Twitter Instructions)

Hellerrr and welcome to Eugene Mathews' Twitter Instructions (EMTI), this course is not hard but that can be adjusted if you're into such things. Let's get started...

1) What's the point of twitter?
Twitter is a social site which wants you to share information, whether it be your opinion, what you're doing or even an article you may like. It sounds tedious but so many millions of people can't be wrong can they?

2) How does it work?
It's just like updating your facebook status only this time you only have 140 characters to work with, there are ways around that but I'll get to that at a later stage. Following people is like adding them as a friend but with a hint of not so much. Twitter only became fun for me once I started following comedians but y'all can follow who ever ya wanna, it's your world!

3) My best piece of advice...
Connect your twitter to your facebook account. Why? The principle of killing two birds with one stone applies here, or since we're living in more modern times I like to say killing two pigs with one Angry Bird. Think about it: the majority of your friends on facebook are people you actually know so sharing your tweets with them is only right. Why must your followers be the only people to get the best of you? If ya dunno how to connect the two, feel free to ask.

4) Retweet much?
A retweet is when you see someone you're following tweet something good enough to share with your followers so you retweet it. It does get a bit complicated though. Say ma now you wanna reply to something someone tweeted but you're not sure that person is gonna know what you're talking about you can quote the tweet and reply to it then separate the two with the letters RT. For example.

@eugenemmathews: All men are dogs! #idiots

You read my tweet and it compels you to reply but you've only seen my tweet a couple of hours later but I was complaining about some taxi so I probably tweeted 8 tweets already. All you do is seperate the your reply and the original tweet with RT (this is much easier if your phone has the quote tweet function):

@jawonthefloor: I feel ya! RT @eugenemmathews: All men are dogs! #idiots

5) The #Hashtag
Yes this is a twitter invention which has filtered down to facebook with both positive and negative results. A hash before a word or combination of words is either you contributing to a topic which is already happening in twitterland, or if there's nobody who's even used that hashtag you'll be starting one (a topic I mean). As you may have noticed once a hash is before a word on twitter it is highlighted, this is called a hashtag. When clicking on the hashtag you will be taken to another place where other tweeters tweeted and the same hashtag was used. This is a place where many other people who aren't necessarily following you will see your tweet and they are able to reply to you and even follow you should they like what you've said.

6) 140 Characters!? I CAN'T DEAL!!
Not to worry dear, there ways around this handicap. I personally use twitlonger but there other sites such as tmi and yfrog (I think) that allows you to type to your heart's content and it will publish your tweet to a point then add a link to see the entire tweet.

That's all I have for now, there's a lot more so don't be afraid to ask!

Gina's Mock Cars Volume 3

Cadillac SRX
It's no secret that I'm a big Cadillac fan! I admire the various style themes they've had over the years: from the overstyled fins in the 50s and 60s to the super square luxo-barges of the 70s and 80s all the way to the "Art & Science examples we have today. Regardless of how little substance they actually offer their style does it for me every time. This however is their other mongrel. Proof that even Cadillac is able to get the SUV wrong. Proof that bigger is not always better. Proof that no matter how trendy the SUV might've been at the time, if it ain't attractive, it ain't gonna sell.

Dacia Cristal
The fact that it's a Dacia alone screams mock! To mock things up even further it was manufactured in Blackheath (Cape Town) for a little while. The best way to get this thing to exceed 100 km/h was to drive it off a cliff, you wouldn't survive but anyone who bought it was probably suicidal anyway.


Toyota Mega Cruiser
Even the gayest man on earth would call it over the top! I once had the privilege of driving one and it was like driving a wider, longer and higher (I'm trying to understate things here) Corolla (+1). It has amazing 4x4 ability (+1). It's gigantic (+and-1) and it has bling potential for days, even if it is a Toyota. Then I hooted and it went 'peep' instead of 'BAAARRP!' That's like a woman the size of Aretha singing with a voice the size of Victoria Beckham's. Fail.

Nissan Micra (Previous Generation)
I wasn't going to include this car until some guy nearly knocked me over with it a couple of days ago. The mist was thick, the car was silver and the headlights weren't turned on = micrisible (invisible Micra). Innocent me was trying to cross a pretty busy road and when I thought it was safe to do so this horrid round "automobile" hooted at me and I had to dive for my life. Had that Micra hit me I would've died (from embarrassment) on purpose just so that the driver/menace to society could be charged with culpable homicide. Nissan's version of the new Beetle wasn't exactly popular or practical and thank goodness it's been replaced by a toned down (in terms of styling) model which makes do without that awful Micra language.

Mock Cars Tally
BMW - 1
Cadillac - 2
Dacia - 1
Daewoo - 1
Daihatsu - 1
Kia - 1
Mazda - 1
Mercedes-Benz - 1
Nissan - 2
Toyota - 1

Gina's Mock Cars Volume 2

BMW 7 Series (previous generation pre-facelift)
Yes I know many will probably defend this co-star of The O.C. and Taxi (starring Queen Latifah), it still is the best selling 7 Series yet, mechanically it does everything right and a lot of its design features has been copied by other motoring manufacturers; but God dammit Chris Bangle should've known better! Proof that one can put a BMW badge on pretty much anything and it will sell.

Daihatsu Move
There isn't a market on this earth that liked it, why they even bothered exporting it out of Japan is beyond me. Underpowered, unattractive and unstable; this was been Daihatsu showing us they have a sense of humour, not that anyone asked.

Mazda Demio
I personally believe this is the model that was the cause of Mazda's big turn around. After spawning something this dull Mazda must have done some reflection and realized the severe lack of life and excitement in their range. 1-2-6 the rotary engine was redeveloped, a few designers with an appetite for sex were employed and the RX-8 and Mazda6 was unleashed; much to the delight of 323 owners everywhere. We owe you a debt of gratitude Mazda Demio (you boring bastard).

Nissan Tiida Sedan
Imagine this conversation if you will:
Guy1: I bought a new car!
Guy2: Me too! What did you get?
Guy1: The new Corolla, not the most exciting purchase but I'm loving it so far. How about you?
Guy2: Something similar to yours actually...
Guy1: A Cerato? A Civic?
Guy2: No...
Guy1: A Jetta or maybe a Focus?
Guy2: Close but not quite...
(18 minutes later)
Guy1: I've run out of ideas! What the hell did you buy!?
Guy2: A Nissan Tiida.
Guy1: Oh...
Can you imagine how heavily Guy1 is judging Guy2? The current Corolla is a step in the right direction if you compare it with the previous generation Corolla, the Tiida is SO not a styling improvement over the Almera. This government and rental favourite induces narcolepsy. This car makes the current Corolla look stunning. I think I've only ever seen this bulbous-assed automobile in white and a green that only works on the current Fiesta. Using the word automobile is like using the word fellatio instead of blow job. The Tiida is so boring you can't help but call it an automobile.

Mock Car Tally
BMW - 1
Cadillac - 1
Daewoo - 1
Daihatsu - 1
Kia - 1
Mazda - 1
Mercedes-Benz - 1
Nissan - 1

Gina's Mock Cars volume 1

Here's a list of a few cars I can't handle seeing before my eyes...

Daewoo Cielo
It's no secret that I hate all automotive Daewoo products and this is the car that began it all in South Africa. Based on the much loved Opel T-Car Kadett of the 80s it made do with an underpowered 1.5 litre engine and possibly the ugliest steering wheel ever. I've actually had fantasies of putting these automotive embarrassments in car crushers. I don't even think the flagship model had a tachometer (rev counter). On the plus side you could do your laundry in the boot and the glove compartment doubled as a microwave oven.


Kia Pride
Kia entered the South African market with the Pride and the Sportage, both as mock as can be but I guess that's what the Koreans were all about in the 90s. The Pride was a blatant rip off of a former Mazda 121, which itself wasn't exactly an image builder. I'm blessed to not know anyone who's owned these tacky hatchbacks (not counting an uncle of mine's neighbour who I don't want to know anyway).

Cadillac Cimarron
The most unloved Cadillac of all time, basically a Chevrolet Cavalier, which itself never exactly won any car of the year awards, with a few Cadillac goodies glued on. Google it and lol...

Mercedes-Benz R Class
Myself and probably the rest of the population were like wtf when Mercedes-Benz unleashed this almost cartoonish looking thing upon us. It's super spacious, luxurious and relatively fast but it's still as ugly as a Pontiac Aztek. Okay I take that back; nothing's as ugly as a Pontiac Aztek. A mid-life facelift remedied the situation somewhat but too little too late I say.

Gina's Comedy Debut

So after many years of watching various stand up comedy acts and thinking to myself "I can do that" and after lots of e-mails and clever status updates (true story) I was finally given the opportunity to perform on Zula Bar's stage at the end of 2010. I now have even more respect for anyone who gets on a stage and attempts to make people laugh. Check out my debut stand up comedy performance and let me know what you think!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?gl=US&hl=en&client=mv-rim&v=QSFsTIaaC9M

http://bit.ly/naFdZK