EMTI (Eugene Mathews' Twitter Instructions)

Hellerrr and welcome to Eugene Mathews' Twitter Instructions (EMTI), this course is not hard but that can be adjusted if you're into such things. Let's get started...

1) What's the point of twitter?
Twitter is a social site which wants you to share information, whether it be your opinion, what you're doing or even an article you may like. It sounds tedious but so many millions of people can't be wrong can they?

2) How does it work?
It's just like updating your facebook status only this time you only have 140 characters to work with, there are ways around that but I'll get to that at a later stage. Following people is like adding them as a friend but with a hint of not so much. Twitter only became fun for me once I started following comedians but y'all can follow who ever ya wanna, it's your world!

3) My best piece of advice...
Connect your twitter to your facebook account. Why? The principle of killing two birds with one stone applies here, or since we're living in more modern times I like to say killing two pigs with one Angry Bird. Think about it: the majority of your friends on facebook are people you actually know so sharing your tweets with them is only right. Why must your followers be the only people to get the best of you? If ya dunno how to connect the two, feel free to ask.

4) Retweet much?
A retweet is when you see someone you're following tweet something good enough to share with your followers so you retweet it. It does get a bit complicated though. Say ma now you wanna reply to something someone tweeted but you're not sure that person is gonna know what you're talking about you can quote the tweet and reply to it then separate the two with the letters RT. For example.

@eugenemmathews: All men are dogs! #idiots

You read my tweet and it compels you to reply but you've only seen my tweet a couple of hours later but I was complaining about some taxi so I probably tweeted 8 tweets already. All you do is seperate the your reply and the original tweet with RT (this is much easier if your phone has the quote tweet function):

@jawonthefloor: I feel ya! RT @eugenemmathews: All men are dogs! #idiots

5) The #Hashtag
Yes this is a twitter invention which has filtered down to facebook with both positive and negative results. A hash before a word or combination of words is either you contributing to a topic which is already happening in twitterland, or if there's nobody who's even used that hashtag you'll be starting one (a topic I mean). As you may have noticed once a hash is before a word on twitter it is highlighted, this is called a hashtag. When clicking on the hashtag you will be taken to another place where other tweeters tweeted and the same hashtag was used. This is a place where many other people who aren't necessarily following you will see your tweet and they are able to reply to you and even follow you should they like what you've said.

6) 140 Characters!? I CAN'T DEAL!!
Not to worry dear, there ways around this handicap. I personally use twitlonger but there other sites such as tmi and yfrog (I think) that allows you to type to your heart's content and it will publish your tweet to a point then add a link to see the entire tweet.

That's all I have for now, there's a lot more so don't be afraid to ask!

Gina's Mock Cars Volume 3

Cadillac SRX
It's no secret that I'm a big Cadillac fan! I admire the various style themes they've had over the years: from the overstyled fins in the 50s and 60s to the super square luxo-barges of the 70s and 80s all the way to the "Art & Science examples we have today. Regardless of how little substance they actually offer their style does it for me every time. This however is their other mongrel. Proof that even Cadillac is able to get the SUV wrong. Proof that bigger is not always better. Proof that no matter how trendy the SUV might've been at the time, if it ain't attractive, it ain't gonna sell.

Dacia Cristal
The fact that it's a Dacia alone screams mock! To mock things up even further it was manufactured in Blackheath (Cape Town) for a little while. The best way to get this thing to exceed 100 km/h was to drive it off a cliff, you wouldn't survive but anyone who bought it was probably suicidal anyway.


Toyota Mega Cruiser
Even the gayest man on earth would call it over the top! I once had the privilege of driving one and it was like driving a wider, longer and higher (I'm trying to understate things here) Corolla (+1). It has amazing 4x4 ability (+1). It's gigantic (+and-1) and it has bling potential for days, even if it is a Toyota. Then I hooted and it went 'peep' instead of 'BAAARRP!' That's like a woman the size of Aretha singing with a voice the size of Victoria Beckham's. Fail.

Nissan Micra (Previous Generation)
I wasn't going to include this car until some guy nearly knocked me over with it a couple of days ago. The mist was thick, the car was silver and the headlights weren't turned on = micrisible (invisible Micra). Innocent me was trying to cross a pretty busy road and when I thought it was safe to do so this horrid round "automobile" hooted at me and I had to dive for my life. Had that Micra hit me I would've died (from embarrassment) on purpose just so that the driver/menace to society could be charged with culpable homicide. Nissan's version of the new Beetle wasn't exactly popular or practical and thank goodness it's been replaced by a toned down (in terms of styling) model which makes do without that awful Micra language.

Mock Cars Tally
BMW - 1
Cadillac - 2
Dacia - 1
Daewoo - 1
Daihatsu - 1
Kia - 1
Mazda - 1
Mercedes-Benz - 1
Nissan - 2
Toyota - 1

Gina's Mock Cars Volume 2

BMW 7 Series (previous generation pre-facelift)
Yes I know many will probably defend this co-star of The O.C. and Taxi (starring Queen Latifah), it still is the best selling 7 Series yet, mechanically it does everything right and a lot of its design features has been copied by other motoring manufacturers; but God dammit Chris Bangle should've known better! Proof that one can put a BMW badge on pretty much anything and it will sell.

Daihatsu Move
There isn't a market on this earth that liked it, why they even bothered exporting it out of Japan is beyond me. Underpowered, unattractive and unstable; this was been Daihatsu showing us they have a sense of humour, not that anyone asked.

Mazda Demio
I personally believe this is the model that was the cause of Mazda's big turn around. After spawning something this dull Mazda must have done some reflection and realized the severe lack of life and excitement in their range. 1-2-6 the rotary engine was redeveloped, a few designers with an appetite for sex were employed and the RX-8 and Mazda6 was unleashed; much to the delight of 323 owners everywhere. We owe you a debt of gratitude Mazda Demio (you boring bastard).

Nissan Tiida Sedan
Imagine this conversation if you will:
Guy1: I bought a new car!
Guy2: Me too! What did you get?
Guy1: The new Corolla, not the most exciting purchase but I'm loving it so far. How about you?
Guy2: Something similar to yours actually...
Guy1: A Cerato? A Civic?
Guy2: No...
Guy1: A Jetta or maybe a Focus?
Guy2: Close but not quite...
(18 minutes later)
Guy1: I've run out of ideas! What the hell did you buy!?
Guy2: A Nissan Tiida.
Guy1: Oh...
Can you imagine how heavily Guy1 is judging Guy2? The current Corolla is a step in the right direction if you compare it with the previous generation Corolla, the Tiida is SO not a styling improvement over the Almera. This government and rental favourite induces narcolepsy. This car makes the current Corolla look stunning. I think I've only ever seen this bulbous-assed automobile in white and a green that only works on the current Fiesta. Using the word automobile is like using the word fellatio instead of blow job. The Tiida is so boring you can't help but call it an automobile.

Mock Car Tally
BMW - 1
Cadillac - 1
Daewoo - 1
Daihatsu - 1
Kia - 1
Mazda - 1
Mercedes-Benz - 1
Nissan - 1

Gina's Mock Cars volume 1

Here's a list of a few cars I can't handle seeing before my eyes...

Daewoo Cielo
It's no secret that I hate all automotive Daewoo products and this is the car that began it all in South Africa. Based on the much loved Opel T-Car Kadett of the 80s it made do with an underpowered 1.5 litre engine and possibly the ugliest steering wheel ever. I've actually had fantasies of putting these automotive embarrassments in car crushers. I don't even think the flagship model had a tachometer (rev counter). On the plus side you could do your laundry in the boot and the glove compartment doubled as a microwave oven.


Kia Pride
Kia entered the South African market with the Pride and the Sportage, both as mock as can be but I guess that's what the Koreans were all about in the 90s. The Pride was a blatant rip off of a former Mazda 121, which itself wasn't exactly an image builder. I'm blessed to not know anyone who's owned these tacky hatchbacks (not counting an uncle of mine's neighbour who I don't want to know anyway).

Cadillac Cimarron
The most unloved Cadillac of all time, basically a Chevrolet Cavalier, which itself never exactly won any car of the year awards, with a few Cadillac goodies glued on. Google it and lol...

Mercedes-Benz R Class
Myself and probably the rest of the population were like wtf when Mercedes-Benz unleashed this almost cartoonish looking thing upon us. It's super spacious, luxurious and relatively fast but it's still as ugly as a Pontiac Aztek. Okay I take that back; nothing's as ugly as a Pontiac Aztek. A mid-life facelift remedied the situation somewhat but too little too late I say.

Gina's Comedy Debut

So after many years of watching various stand up comedy acts and thinking to myself "I can do that" and after lots of e-mails and clever status updates (true story) I was finally given the opportunity to perform on Zula Bar's stage at the end of 2010. I now have even more respect for anyone who gets on a stage and attempts to make people laugh. Check out my debut stand up comedy performance and let me know what you think!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?gl=US&hl=en&client=mv-rim&v=QSFsTIaaC9M

http://bit.ly/naFdZK

Confessions Of A Cab Driver II: The Grass Could Be White On The Other Side...

The grass is not always greener on the other side...

About 3 months ago I started my new job, I went from being Cape Town's most flamboyant cab driver to being Cape Town's most flamboyant cab driver at a rival company. I've never been a fan of the toi-toi, dancing in the street to demonstrate one's dissatisfaction with one's work situation seems a bit defeat-the-purpose-esque to me so after a few months of being really unhappy for various reasons at my previous place of employment I decided to put my sanity before the money I and moved on, but not before an indulgent week of laying in bed and doing nothing (if you can calling watching vast amounts of television and eating vast amounts of luxuries nothing).

I remembered running into an ex colleague of mine (Neil) in the Green Point, the brotha was as relaxed as I'd never seen him before, this all due to the new company he worked for so after my "week off" I gave the company a call and was told to report for duty the next day. At 06h15 the next morning I arrived at my new job (45 minutes early), went through a brief interview process then went for a driving assessment which I of course passed with flying colours. From there I was assigned a the donkey Toyota Avanza of the fleet and my first day commenced.

I met one or two of my colleagues that day but because I made the decision beforehand not to get to know anyone or allow anyone to get to know me (I did not want to become emotionally attached to this company) I kept to myself and did whatever work I was supposed to do.

The change of pace from Formula 1 racing to glacial was excruciating, the cut in salary was immediately felt and I missed my now ex-colleagues at Rikkis, but my stress levels dropped to next-to-nothing and now I had more time to concentrate on my writing and stand up comedy performances.

Finally after about two weeks I was assigned my permanent car (okay so I did some manipulating) and believe it or not I'm in love with her: a 2010 Corolla. She has about as much character as a bowl of rice, she doesn't complain unless driver and front passenger are not wearing their seatbelts and parallel parking is an absolute nightmare but that doesn't matter since she's proved to me numerous times that she has my back. I held a little competition amongst my bbm contacts to find a name for her and my friend Craig suggested Zandra, a name that somehow works and ever since then the adventures Zandra and I have had together should keep my various audiences entertained for days!

Yes I do miss my previous job with all its drama and really miss the fleet of Daihatsu Materias, but me moving forward in the entertainment industry is a reward far greater than any amount of cash earned. I've taken a step back in but that step back was one in the right direction. The grass might not be greener on the other side but I'm rather liking this shade...

MEMOIRS OF EUGAYSHA: A MEMOIRS OF A GAYSHA SPIN-OFF

I have been planning on doing this blog entry for more than a year and after reading my friend Richard Dicky Julies' latest Memoirs of a Gaysha facebook note (those in the know will know what I’m talking about) and after consulting with Richard finally inspired enough to give it a shot. This essay is in no way competing with Richard’s “Memoirs”, if CSI could spawn CSI: Miami and CSI: New York then I think Memoirs of Eugaysha should have a chance at life; maybe even be judged on its own merits. For those of y’all who don’t know this Richard fellow I speak of please continue reading and your feedback so welcome!

AUNTY AIDA
A few months ago a couple of friends and I were merrily gayling about nothing in particular when the rather current topic of Aids came up. Somewhere along the line I asked them a question which has been bugging me for months; I asked them who they thought would catch the dreaded disease first, which in retrospect is a sucky and immature question to ask (but do bear with me, I’m going somewhere with this). The question left them stunned and wondering why I would ask such a morose (and mean) question. They verbally shat all over me and the topic was changed to music or some other hot topic but my question struck a nerve and still does to this day (mission accomplished). Merely a few weeks later we found out about an acquaintance of ours who had been infected with HIV which developed into full blown Aids. The scandalous part of it all is his mission to spread the virus to as many irresponsible men (straight or otherwise) as he possibly can. I personally feel he is vile and evil for doing so and he should receive a bullet to the temple for every guy he's successfully infected, but I’m not exactly known for being merciful so let’s move this along to the point I’m trying to make… The year is 2011 and we as men (homosexual or otherwise) need to start a dialogue amongst ourselves and the people we love. This dialogue should encourage safe sex and regular HIV testing. This dialogue should encourage understanding of the virus and should do much to eradicate the fear we would naturally have towards anyone with the virus, whether it is a person with HIV or Aids. Going for an Aids test (and talking about the experience) should not be an event filled with shame; I feel it should be as common as a dental check up. Lately I've been finding out about more and more people I know personally being infected and although we now know it's not the death sentence it used to be it's still not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Perhaps if this Aids-infected acquaintance of ours felt a little less alone, a little less disgraced, maybe if he had the correct support structure; perhaps he wouldn’t have intentionally gone out to infect so many others…

NARNIA
Once upon a time I posted a tweet: "He's so deep in the closet he's having adventures in Narnia." This tweet made me smile but not for long because I soon realised I was talking about myself...
I'm a pretty feminine guy as you can imagine, I wear my hair shoulder length in a variety of hairstyles, I mince instead of walk, I enjoy wearing high heeled shoes etc. In short I’m an obviously gay man. What most people don't know about is my other life as closeted homosexual. As anyone who knows me can testify to; I am a queen of note. When I’m home things are very different, I’m Beyonce instead of Sasha Fierce if you catch my drift.
I have a mother who has a rather admirable relationship with God. She prays to him and serves him with an awesome passion, she does not swear or drink or smoke and she is really blessed because of it. In her eyes being gay is an abomination like no other (she’s old school like that) but God kept the blessings coming by making me a “queer” (her word to describe gays). God's sense of humour strikes again!
I'm 28 and I lead a relatively drama-free life because of this closet I find myself living in. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be fully out and proud but I'm honestly in no hurry to start the process. Many people have asked me how I can still be closeted when my homosexuality is so evident and as annoying as their inquisitivity (I don’t care if that isn’t really a word, it’s fun to say) can be I patiently explain how it all works: before I enter my house a switch in my head is activated and Eugene mode is engaged. I walk differently, my voice deepens and I somehow become straight acting. I know this is hard to imagine but it gets better. One day while in “Eugene” mode a gay friend and his boyfriend came to visit me at home and they couldn’t handle being in my at home persona’s company. On the one hand they respected my situation enough to not be as outrageously fem and loud as they would normally be, on the other hand they couldn’t believe how huge the difference between Eugene and Gina is and how second nature it all is. To me being straight acting at home is exactly that; second nature. I’ve been these two people for so long that half the time I don’t even know when I’m in which ever mode which can lead to some awkward moments, especially at work, but that’s a whole other blog entry altogether.
At the beginning of last year my two best friends and I made a pact to come out the closet but only one of us made it out. This pact inspired me to be a little less Eugene and a little more Gina and the results are the cause of much entertainment, for me at least. When receiving phone calls from friends I now speak in my natural voice and yes I will gayle for all the occupants of my house to hear. I now insist on my mother meeting all of my friends and I tell her all about them, okay maybe not EVERYTHING… Witnessing her involuntary denial amuses and fascinates me to no end, and gives me great material for the stage as well.
To be totally honest I don’t quite know why I’m still in the closet, I know my mom will take the news very hard but she’ll pray about it and God will tell her to stop being silly and just accept it. The rest of her family and friends will be stunned at for her not noticing sooner. Her love for me won’t stop and I doubt she’ll throw me out of the house, I guess I’ve become so content with my double life. Sometimes, when life as a homosexual-cab-driving-hair-styling-aspiring-stand-up-comedian becomes too much, it’s nice to just be Eugene, more relaxing even.
I’m in no way encouraging staying in the closet nor am I defending my being closeted, but as I see it, everyone’s situation is different and should be dealt with accordingly. Live and let live! Who knows, my next blog entry could even be my coming out story with a hint of not so much…